Overcoming Toddler Separation Anxiety at Bedtime

Toddler separation anxiety at bedtime is a common and completely normal phase, but it can be very challenging for both you and your toddler. Understanding why this occurs is essential to fixing it. With practical tips, you can help your toddler feel more comfortable sleeping in their own room.

Why Does Separation Anxiety Happen?

Separation anxiety typically surfaces in toddlers between the ages of 12 and 24 months but can continue into later toddler years. This developmental milestone is a sign that your child has formed strong attachments to their primary caregivers, which is a positive indication of healthy emotional development. However, this attachment often leads to distress and anxiety when it’s time to part ways at bedtime.

Your toddler’s intense fear of being apart from you at night can emerge for various reasons:

1. Developmental Factors: Around this age, toddlers start to develop object permanence—they understand that people and things continue to exist even when out of sight. This newfound awareness can make separations, even temporary ones, more stressful.
2. Fear of the Unknown: The dark and the solitude of their own room can be intimidating.
3. Habitual Dependence: If your child has grown accustomed to co-sleeping or you staying until they fall asleep, changes can ignite anxiety. They might also begin to become aware that once they fall asleep you leave the room. This awareness can lead to your toddler taking more time to fall asleep to delay you leaving the room. Eventually, this can even cause middle of the night wake-ups as they realize you are no longer in the room and can’t fall back to sleep without your help. 

Minimizing Separation Anxiety: Establishing Strategies for Success

Now that we have a grasp on why separation anxiety occurs, let’s explore how to ease the bedtime routine and help your toddler feel secure in their own room.

1. Establish a Consistent Bedtime Routine:                                                                                                                                Routine breeds predictability, and predictability breeds comfort. Develop a calming bedtime routine that lasts around 30 minutes to an hour and stick to it every night. This could include activities like:

• Brushing teeth
• A warm bath
• Putting on pajamas
• Reading 2 brief books together
• Giving a goodnight kiss and a short back rub

Consistency is key. This sequence of events tells your toddler’s brain that sleep time is approaching, helping to reduce bedtime battles. Check out this Toddler Bedtime Routine Chart to enhance your toddler’s bedtime. 

2. Create a Comforting Sleep Environment: Your toddler’s room should be a place of safety and comfort. Ensure that the room is conducive to sleep by:

•  Keeping the temperature cool and comfortable 68-72 degrees is ideal
• Making the room extra dark- this helps your toddler shut down their brain and actually helps with fear of sleep
• Playing white noise or soft music to drown out background noises
• Providing a soft, cozy blanket and a favorite stuffed animal for comfort.

Introducing a “lovey”—can help provide a sense of security even when you’re not there.

3. Stay Calm and Be Patient:

If your toddler gets upset when it’s time to separate, respond with patience and reassurance. Demonstrating calmness can help your little one feel secure. Offer one brief verbal reassurance. Then, leave the room confidently once they are settled. If you need to return to check on them, ensure that your visits are brief and soothing without overstaying. Sometimes check-ins can be overstimulating or lead to middle of the nights wake-ups, so proceed with caution. A few nights of check-ins to begin the process of calming your toddler to fall asleep independently can be useful.  

4. Practice Gentle Toddler Sleep Training Techniques:

If separation anxiety persists, implementing gentle sleep training methods can promote independent sleep:

• The Gradual Retreat Method: Gradually decrease your proximity to your child over a series of nights. Start by sitting next to their bed, then move a bit further away each night until you are out of the room.
• The Ferber Method: Slowly increase intervals of checking on your child while they learn to self-soothe. Check on them initially after 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, offering a brief and calm reassurance each time.
• The Tiny Duck Parenting Method: Teach independence and let your toddler choose to stay in their open bed or open crib. With this method your toddler will learn how to soothe themselves with your help the entire time.

5. Encourage Independence through Daytime Practices:                                                                                                                Strengthen your child’s confidence in being independent during the day. This can translate to improved separation at night. Engage in independent play sessions where your toddler plays solos while you are nearby but not directly interacting. Celebrate their achievements in these moments with a lot of positive reinforcement.
6. Spend Quality Time Before Bed: Allocate special time before starting the bedtime routine for cuddles, chats, or playtime with all screens and devices turned off. This undisturbed bonding time reassures your toddler of your presence and love. This can help alleviate anxiety when it’s time to sleep.
7. Use Transitional Objects: Transitional objects, like a favorite toy or blanket, can act as substitutes for your presence. These objects can help provide comfort and security, particularly if they have a scent or texture that is familiar to your toddler.
8. Find Predictable and Consistent Time to Connect: Predictable and consistent connections during the day are just as important as the bedtime routine. Allocate specific times during the day where you can fully engage with your toddler without any interruptions. Disconnect from technology, turn off the TV, put your phone away, and immerse yourself in activities that your child enjoys—whether it’s snuggling, reading a book, playing together, or just talking. These moments of undivided attention can build a deep sense of security and attachment, making the physical separation at bedtime less daunting because your toddler knows they will have special times with you each day.
9. Address Fears Directly: Openly discuss with your child (in age-appropriate language) about fears they might have of the dark or being alone. Comfort them and come up with fun and creative ways to address these fears. For instance, introduce a “safe spray” to chase away scary creatures or read books that talk about friendly shadows and the power of light.

When to Seek Professional Advice

If your toddler’s separation anxiety at bedtime persists despite your best efforts and significantly impacts their bedtime sleep and middle of the night, it might be helpful to seek advice from a pediatrician or a toddler sleep consultant. Professional guidance can provide you with additional strategies tailored specifically for your child’s needs.

Dealing with toddler separation anxiety at bedtime can be tough, requiring a mix of sympathy, patience, and a systematic strategy. Understand that there is a chance this will pass naturally without intervention, but know that sometimes changes to sleep need to be made. By fostering a comforting and reassuring environment, maintaining consistency, and deploying gentle, structured methods, you can help your toddler build confidence in sleeping independently. Remember, every child is unique, and the pace of adjustment will vary. Keep the faith, stay patient, and know you’re laying a foundation for healthy sleep habits that will last a lifetime.